Why We Can Never Go Back to McDonald's | Ask Your Dad Blog

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Why We Can Never Go Back to McDonald's




Sometimes I worry about putting embarrassing stories about my kids on the internet. That's part of the reason I use pseudonyms. I don't want Captain's High School buddies to Google his name some day and find out that I surveyed the internet on whether or not to circumcise him. With that reasoning in mind, I am going to come right out and say that the story I am about to tell you definitely, absolutely, did not happen. I am making it all up. This definitely did not happen last night at the McDonald's by our house. 

So the wife and I took the kids to go grocery shopping last night. We stopped by McDonald's on the way home because it was too late to cook dinner and we figured we could let Duchess get rid of some energy in the play place before we started the 45-minute process of begging her to please, for the love of God, go to bed. I'm going to transition to present tense now because I feel like it will better relay a sense of urgency as the story progresses. 

Anyway, Duchess de-shoes and goes bounding off into the PlayPlace which, if you haven't seen one, looks like a bunch of rainbow snakes twisting themselves together while trying to eat each other's butt-holes. Once your kid goes in there, there is no knowing where she is or if she is the one screaming in pain. It's terrifying - but it lets me eat my cheeseburger in peace so I allow her to participate in whatever Lord of the Flies shit is taking place inside that technicolor tunnel nightmare. She's tough. She'll be fine. 

Soon enough, Stevie and I finish up our meal and it's time to go home; Captain is getting fussy and wants to nurse. Yeah, he's there too. He's quiet most of the time (in the daylight) so I don't bring him up as much as I should. After packing up, Stevie and I begin the embarrassing ritual of trying to locate our kid in the PlayPlace. We both begin circling the structure, peering in the different colored windows, and calling our daughter's name. 

Suddenly, out of the heart of darkness, my daughter's face appears at a red tinted window in one of the tubes. I run up to it smiling. Quickly my smile fades. Something is different, yet recognizable about her face. She looks like she's thinking really hard about something. She gives me a look, and suddenly I know. And she knows I know. She needs to shit. She needs to shit, and she is lost in this f'ing rainbow cavern, minutes from the door - and she's not going to make it. I know she's not going to make it. She knows she's not going to make it. 

She puts her hand up on the red plastic window. I place mine in the same spot. I mouth the words "I'm sorry." She is Spock and I am Kirk in Wrath of Kahn. She is Bruce Willis and I am Liv Tyler in Armageddon. She is shitting her pants, and there is nothing I can do. This is happening.


It's OK Spock. You can poop now. 
Not only am I going to have to get her out of there, I have to do it without any of the other parents in the room finding out why. I go back to the table, tell Stevie to get ready to leave quickly, and mentally prepare to go into the shit piss labyrinth and retrieve my shitty pissy daughter. Shit!

Stevie kisses me on the cheek, wishes me luck, and I turn to go. And there she is. Somehow she has waddled her way to the exit! My heart leaps! It is a stinky, piss covered miracle! 

There's no time to celebrate. I sprint to the green tube she is emerging from. "Daddy! I poo..." I clasp my hand over her mouth and run for the door. I am that dad. I am a horrible human being. My kid pooped her pants in the McDonald's PlayPlace... and I ran. 

On the way home I call the McDonald's and let them know what's happened. As far as I can tell, the poo was contained - but there may be some piss dribbles inside the maze. Stevie and I agree to never discuss the incident again, we get home, and I start writing. 

A few notes that Stevie would like me to add before hesitantly allowing me to publishing this:

  • All poop was contained within the confines of our kid's DC Comic Wonder Woman Panties. No poop was left in the PlayPlace.
  • When I first compared the window scenario to the scene from Armageddon where Bruce Willis and Liv Tyler are looking at each other on the monitors right before Bruce blows up with the Asteroid, I may have started singing "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith.
  • All poop was contained, and probably... most likely... most of the pee too. 
  • Duchess was not reprimanded in the slightest. She was bathed, changed, and got a Popsicle when we got home. 
  • No poop was left in the PlayPlace. 
Love Dad (John)

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UPDATE!!

More has happened. Click here to find out what happened next!


34 comments:

  1. John,
    When my son was born, the nurses in OB decided to use him for demonstration to the new mothers on how to properly change a newborn's diaper.
    As soon as the nurse removed his diaper, instead of peeing (as boys are wont to do), he proceeded to have a projectile poop, and coat several of the nurses (and new mothers) in stinky goodness.
    No, we didn't get thrown out of the hospital :)

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  2. Wow, if this had happened ( ;) ) this would be hilarious from an outside perspective - maybe not so much to you as the participant.
    Duchess is out of diapers already? Go Mom and Dad (and Duchess, of course)!

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    1. She is! And she very rarely has accidents. I wish Stevie and I could take the credit, but her daycare made the difference. They are awesome.

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  3. LOL! So glad it's not just us that's happened to :-)

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    1. I'm so glad that you're so glad, because now I feel less alone too!

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  4. been there, done that... I don't think poop, but a puddle of pee... Also no reprimand, just cleaned him up, and alerted the staff to the problem. Yet as parents we keep going back, knowing they are gross, and we'll probably get a cold or something by going there, but a peaceful dinner and some energy burn off is so worth it on those crazy days.

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    1. I'm told ball pits are even worse. At least you can clean up a rainbow tunnel.

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    2. Ball pits are worse? How so? I'm almost scared to ask!

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  5. Wow, John, people have done far worse and continue to frequent our local McD's. I would not abandon yours yet. I mean, theres only so long that the excuse "sorry, baby they are remodeling the playscape, we can't go now" will work! Like 5-6 years tops!

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    1. I feel so bad! Maybe I'll bring them some cookies or something and apologize.

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  6. I had to stop reading midway through because I'm at work and was having trouble containing my snorts of laughter but I'll be back! I love your blog, thanks for taking the time to share!

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  7. I am reading this at work and had to clap my hand to my mouth halfway through to stifle my laughter. Priceless.

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  8. I am absolutely laughing out loud at this at work. My own little four year old did something similar. She decided that she shouldn't interrupt us talking to our neighbor so she eventually just ... well, she just pooped. Luckily, it was pretty dry and stayed together. But I totally understand. Did you bring the poop home, or did you dispose of it at the McDonald's? You know, if "this really happened." Wink.

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  9. Funny story but is this seriously something you want to have out there for people to read? It should've stayed private.

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    1. Yeah.. maybe. I walk a fine line that I'm sure, at times, I will step over. Thanks for you feedback. It's sincerely appreciated.

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  10. Replies
    1. Awww! This blog loves you too Gigglebangs Riceball.

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  11. First of all, was surprised that they still have Play Places in McDonalds. They got rid of ours a while back and I never knew why. Hmmmmm. This was some funny sh*t - quite literally as it turns out!! And I would have run too!!

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    1. I think I would have ran too.. sad as that may be :)

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  12. I'm going to share this with all my friends and family. At dinnertime.
    Thanks for sharing! :)

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  13. Thank You So Much For Sharing, Being A Mother Of There Ages 4 To 21. All I Can Say Is This Won't Be The Worst Memory Of Childhood Accidents.

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  14. Don't worry, this whole generation is being blogged about. It'll be no big deal. If for example someone in high school ever says "Haha I googled your name and a story came up about you having an accident!" -- your daughter can say "So what? Let's just take five seconds to google YOUR name shall we? Oh look it says here that you thought your weiner was a pet worm and you named it Wumwum. And you stuffed peas up your nose. And one time you cried because your parents bug bombed the house and you thought they were literally bombing the house. And it says here that you were generally a little asshole bully and oh! Wait, no sorry that last one is the blog post I'm writing about you right now."

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  15. I chuckle... and chortle, and snort about it now... while trying to stay quiet enough to NOT wake the baby... but I know, at some point, my son will crawl out of one of those slides, and there will be a smear, all the way down. But first, we need to master the crawling thing...

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  16. meh, this is not so bad. my younger sister once painted a poo mural in the bathroom of her baby sitter's house. It was really special in that she had help from the baby sitter's son. It could always be worse....

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  17. This has literally happened before, but worse! At a McDonald's that my husband works at, I was waiting for him to get off work one day and it was late morning hours. There was a family there with a young boy. He was laying in the play place while the parents were eating ad the sister was there with them. I wasn't paying attention until a young woman went up to the parents telling them something. The parents then jumped up and ran to the play place to try to retreive the boy. I noticed then that he had went poo, but was playing with it on the windows and steps within reach by him. The parents grabbed napkins and tried to clean up, but left it messy still. I noticed no one went to tell the staff about it which then grossed me out!!! YUCK!

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  18. Hilarious. And I cracked up at the caption under the Star Trek picture. So glad this happened to you and not me. First of all, I would not have wanted to deal with that shit. Second of all, I couldn't have written about nearly as well. So good!

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  19. I peed my pants reading this.. Oh, well, never mind. I know you are trying to not talk about it. Very funny and ballsy stuff.

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  20. aaaa the fun of childhood and parenthood.. and just think its not over yet !!

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  21. I think it's funny that I found this post a half hour after I had to clean a pee trail from the kitchen to the bathroom and consoled a sobbing eleven year old because she was embarrassed. Aaaah parenthood.

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  22. My son is almost two, and has used many different brands of diapers. He pulls and tugs at them, colors on them with paint and markers, stretches them over his head (when they are clean), puts them around his legs and runs through the house, play on the playground with just the diaper on. And through all of that, they still work.
    honest diaper reviews

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  23. Just had to share! You always crack me up and I just love it!

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  24. Just discovered this post. All I can say is, you are my kind of people! Almost crapped myself while reading/laughing. Good stuff!

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  25. The truth of this situation is it's probably McDonalds' fault anyway. I've had near accidents myself immediately after eating there.

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