Monday, September 30, 2013

How to get on the Ellen DeGeneres Show - Guest Post

Hey gang! Dad (John) here. I want you all to meet my buddy Joel. Joel is a dad. Joel doesn't have a blog. Weird huh? I thought we all had blogs. The tragic part of Joel not having a blog is that he is a really good writer, and a really funny guy. So today, and hopefully more in the future, I am going to publish a bit of his writing. Please show him some love! And without further adieu...

How to get on the Ellen DeGeneres Show 
by Blogless Joel

E-mail from Ellen Producer

Monday, September 23, 2013

7 Tips for Dating My Three Year Old Daughter

"Michael is cute."

Those three words are the actual sound of my heart collapsing in on itself. If you had held a stethoscope to my chest yesterday morning, you would have heard my heart's rhythmic thu-thump cease and then eerily echo the exact words that had just came out of Duchess's mouth as my left and right ventricles squeezed in on each other and turned my heart into a pathetic heart raisin.

Michael is the little towhead jerk face from Duchess's daycare, who I now hate with every fiber of my being. He is also NOT cute. And I hate him. Have I mentioned that I hate him? Because I do.


OK, he's cute. Fine. What three year old isn't cute? And I don't really hate him. But what is a dad to do? Our kids are going to love who they love, and any amount of pushing I do is going to send my daughter straight into Michael's stubby little toddler arms. I suppose their love is inevitable. So here you go MICHAEL FROM DAYCARE. This is for you. Take good care of her.

7 Tips for Dating My 3 Year Old Daughter

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Bed Time Poem

I tried to think of another way
To help you go to sleep
We'd read a book and sung a song 
And counted all your sheep

And then we read another book
And sang another song
And you wanted a glass of water
And wanted to come along

And when I poured the water wrong
You SCREAMED and told me why
Two pieces of ice were the acceptable way
To prevent your impending cry

You wanted your blanket, the pink, not the blue
You wanted your baby doll
You wanted your bear with the bunny ears
You wanted the light in the hall

You wanted to sing just one more song
After "Rainbow" and "Stay awake"
You wanted a hug and kiss AND A HUG 
You wanted a piece of cake

When I told you "no," you cried and kicked
Oh no, not this. No more!
I placed you screaming in your bed 
And sprinted for the door.  

"DADDY NO!" you cried out to me
While leaping from your bed
As you slipped, and tripped, and slammed the top 
Of your tiny little head

My impatience vanished. My frustration gone
When I heard the thump and your cry
I rushed to your side, pulled your head to my chest
And kissed your swelling eye

And in a bit, when you were over it
And your stuttered sobs collected
The weeps crept away and you ended your day
Curled up in my arms, protected

Sometimes it's rough keeping up with your moods
Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it
Sometimes it takes an hour to put you to bed
Sometimes I just have to fake it


Sometimes  you're staring into my eyes
As I finish the verse of a song
And sometimes you're tracking the words on the page
And I know that you're reading along


Sometimes, not always, you fall asleep in my arms
And even on the nights that are bad
There's nothing on earth that brings me more joy
Than knowing that I am your dad. 

I love you. Good night.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Hey Ya! Guest Comic by Raised by my Daughter

Remember this Facebook Status?

Well, my friend Neal over at Raised by my Daughter converted it to an awesome comic!!

Here's a little about Neal in his own words:
You know Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird? I’m part Boo, a recluse with a (mostly) good heart. And you know Randall Munroe from the xkcd comics? I’m like a low-rent, parenting version of him. And you know that scene in Superman, where Lois Lane and the Man of Steel are flying hand-in-hand through the clouds? Well, I’m Lois, and my daughter is Superman, and as I clutch her little paw in mine, she lifts me to places that take my breath away. When she’s not locked down in time-out, that is.
I highly encourage you to check Neal's blog out. He's got more comics and some really great writing. You can find him on his blog, Raised by my Daughter, Facebook, and Pinterest. Be sure to tell him I sent you!

If you are an artist and are interested in having your work featured on Ask Your Dad, send me a note through the contact form!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Cancer Bad. Books Good. Five Dollar Friday - Monday Edition

Catherine, friend and writer of Bumpyboobs, needs our help. I know. I usually do these on Fridays because Friday is pay day and people are more willing to give money when they just got paid. And now it's Monday. And you just got done with a big weekend, and maybe you went out to breakfast and got Chicken Fried Steak and Eggs, because Chicken Fried Steak and Eggs are delicious! And maybe because you spent those extra bucks this weekend, you might not be as able to chip in a couple bucks to help out a stranger. If that's the case, no worries. I still love you as much as I love Chicken Fried Steak and Eggs, maybe more. BUT on the off chance that you have an extra five bucks to spare, I think it would be super cool if we could help Catherine achieve her dream of self publishing a novel she has written.

Catherine and her husband really want children. Recently she found out that her breast cancer has returned and having a child is not an option for now. I can't even imagine how devastating that news would be, for her or for her husband. And yet, she is taking the lemons and making a book - out of lemons. OK, there are no lemons, just tumors. Shit. Cancer sucks. 

Catherine and her husband
Catherine and her husband

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Conversations with my Kid

Sometimes I post little conversations between Duchess and I over on the Ask Your Dad Facebook page. I thought it would be fun to collect some of my favorites here!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

5 Reasons My Wife is the Better Parent

I need to give credit where credit is due. Here's the thing. I write the blog, and people get to know me through what I write. I can paint the picture as pretty or as poopy as I like, and I like that. I'm a pretty honest guy, and I keep things pretty accurate. There have been some times where I have worked the edges of a piece to make it more funny, or combined events that happened over a series of weeks into a single day, but for the most part, what you see is what you get here at Ask Your Dad. Except for one big blind spot that I feel compelled to address.

Completely without intent, and only by the sin of omission, I get far too much of the credit in the parenting equation. Stevie never complains about it, and I don't even know if it bugs her, but she is the better parent and I just want her to know that I know it... and I want you to know it too. I know, it's not a competition. But if it were, here are just a few of the MANY reasons why she'd win this trophy: