2017 | Ask Your Dad Blog

Monday, February 27, 2017

Things We Tried - Do Your Part(ner) Follow Up!





This post is sponsored by my long-time friends at Plum Organics.

So a few weeks ago Stevie and I made a fun video and took the Plum Organics Pledge to Do Your Part(ner). The pledge wasn’t just to get jiggy with it (yes I just typed that) but also to make time for each other outside of our parenting responsibilities. Honestly, it was a nice reminder that we need to work harder to find time alone together. So, remaining completely PG, here are the actions that Stevie and I did over the last three weeks to find time to find each other, and their consequent reactions and results. Spoiler alert: Some worked. Some didn’t.
Action: We turned off the TV
It seems like such a simple thing, but tell that to someone who absolutely NEEDS to know who Nick sent home on The Bachelor. Still, despite my need to see who got sent home and whether it affected my standing in my Bachelor Fantasy League (It didn’t. I’m still losing), Stevie and I decided to turn the TV off and spend a night actually talking to each other. Reaction: My wife is really funny and smart and fun to talk to. With a little gentle prodding our talking muscles warmed up and we worked our way through discussions about our kids, family and friend gossip, future plans, who annoys us most on The Bachelor, and whether we should buy a new house. Result: We fell asleep like two kids talking about comic books at a sleepover. Yep. No nookie. I guess we are just too interesting. By the time we finished talking about ALL THE THINGS it was past midnight and as many of your know, married people don’t have sex past midnight or they turn into gremlins. Neither of us minded though. It was really nice to have such a long, uninterrupted conversation.

Action: We gave each other massages
Our box came with massage oil. We both like massages. It seemed like a perfect match. We cracked open the massage oil, put on some Enya and planned to each give the other a nice massage.

Reaction: Stevie fell asleep during her massage. Stupid Enya.

I don’t blame Stevie for this. You may have already heard, but we stayed up until midnight talking to each-other the night before and regardless of how late we decide to stay up, our kids’ internal alarms still go off at 6:30 AM every day. Pair that early rise with a full day of work, an evil snow-filled commute, rushing the kids to gymnastics, a post gymnastics living room dance party to the entire soundtrack to Moana, bed time stories, catching up on the Bachelor (that show REALLY does not need to be so long) and by the time we got to Enya and massage oils we were already half asleep.  The only reason she was the one who fell asleep was because she got to go first. I would have crashed too.

Result: I snagged a towel, cleaned off the flowery smelling back oil off of sleeping Stevie, and cuddled up for some much needed rest.
Action: We watched a bunch of porn.
Just kidding. We didn’t do that. I just thought it would be funny to freak you out. We did watch Notting Hill, which is kind of like cheesy emotional porn. We thought a romantic movie might be a nice beginning to an “us” night. To avoid falling asleep, we set the all the clocks forward an hour in the house and convinced the kids that it was their bed time when it was actually only seven. I know, we’re monsters. If it makes you feel any better, our plan totally backfired because when we moved our literal clocks back their internal clocks also moved back an hour… so 5:30 AM the next morning was just AWESOME. At least we got to watch our movie.

Reaction: I fell asleep 25 minutes into the movie.
Look. It wasn’t really my fault. My wife is an incredibly comfortable pillow. Not that she is big and pillowy… which would be fine too, but she is warm and she does this thing where she absent-mindedly runs her fingers through my hair and it’s just so damn relaxing. And let’s be honest, Notting Hill is basically the romantic-comedy equivalent of Enya. I mean, yeah sure. Hugh Grant is charming and British and Julia Roberts has a distractingly large mouth, but if you close your eyes and try to pay attention to the movie it is a giant yawn-fest. I was out before Rhys Ifans (the best part of the movie) made his underwear clad entrance.

Result: Once she noticed I was out, Stevie allowed herself to fall asleep too. We woke up on the couch at 5:30 AM to Netflix asking us if we were still there and our kids asking for Frosted Mini Wheats.  
Action: We got naked and hopped into bed
Don’t picture it. Don’t even reread the subheading. Just go back to laughing about Notting Hill. Pretend I didn’t say anything.

Reaction: This worked just fine. Funny how throwing two naked adults who love each other into a bed has that effect. Mission accomplished. We did our Part… ner. (I’m so sorry.)

Result: We both fell asleep after. It was perfect.
Anyway, thanks for tagging along for our PG sex talk. It was a really fun campaign and we appreciate Plum Organics for involving us. Sorry (not sorry) we didn’t make another baby-food eater.  

Oh! And the winners of the Do Your Part(ner) Boxes are…
  • Gabe Tononi
  • Laurie Drake
  • Melissa Barton
  • Baily Young
  • Mary Gordan
If one of these is you, check your email!


Friday, February 10, 2017

Stevie and John Talk about Sex, and Being Parents, and Kids, and Stuff [Video]



This post is sponsored by my long-time friends at Plum Organics.

So… yeah. A baby food brand asked me to create a post about sex. Why? (You and I both ask simultaneously?) Well, I believe the first reason is that sex means more babies and babies like baby food. Also, having worked for Plum for a couple years now discussing ALL the unfiltered realities of parenting, I can tell you that they care about parents being happy. And well… sex and sad don’t really pair.

Before saying yes I checked with Stevie to see if she was down for a little parent time sexy talk on the blog and she said fine as long as Plum doesn’t think we’re having another baby, because no sir/ma’am.

I talked about sex once on this blog and things got a little crazy. It was probably because I had kind of a click-baity title. The piece was called “Giving up on Sex” and honestly it was kind of a bait-and-switch. We weren’t really giving up on sex. The whole premise was that Stevie and I both felt so much pressure to keep up the physical intimacy portion of our marriage that the anxiety it was causing was seeping into and affecting other portions of our life. And it was hurting any drive we had to put the effort into being intimate. So we gave up on sex being an obligation or a chore. It worked out great… for awhile. Then it didn’t. Then it did. Bottom line there were a lot of internal and external factors that kept us from finding each other in intimate situations and sometimes just loving each other and waiting for it to happen was a great solution… and other times that was a dumb idea and we needed to put in the effort.

Which is why I’m stoked about this cheeky campaign with Plum. It is called Do Your Part(ner) and the whole point of the campaign is to empower parents to make time for their relationship and their partner, sans guilt. They’ve made a website with videos, expert resources, and some fun quirky humor. It's also a place to take a pledge to Do Your Part(ner).

To celebrate the launch of the campaign, Stevie and I interviewed each-other with some sexy time questions, and took the pledge together. We also opened our date-night box that Plum sent us! Anyway, check out the video and stay tuned until the end for a special announcement. (NO WE’RE NOT HAVING ANOTHER KID.)


OK, so the announcement is that if you go take the pledge and come back here to leave a comment saying you did so, I will be selecting five winners!

Step 1: Go to http://www.doyourpartner.com/
Step 2: Take the pledge.
Step 3: Come back here and let me know you did by commenting and clicking contest button.
Step 4: Probably most likely win.*



*Chances of winning are actually determined by the number of entries in the contest, not by me saying the probability.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Horrible Moments in Parenting #3569

Last week during dinner I was trying to ask Duchess about her day and she matter-of-factly told me that she didn't feel like talking. A few minutes later she had chewed her tortilla into the shape of a star and was remarkably proud of herself.

"Look dad! I made a star."

"I don't feel like looking at it." I quipped back.

And then she started bawling.

I thought I was being snarky and she would immediately relate it back to what she had said earlier, but that's not how it came across. It came across as cruel and dismissive... which honestly she has probably never experienced from me before.

Anyway... not my finest parenting moment. But, there are no take-backs. We fill our lives with irrevocable acts, and its only later we find out which ones actually mattered.

One time, when I was about my daughter’s age, my dad and I were going to the store. I was probably a year into reading and was paying particularly close attention to business signs. When we pulled into a strip mall I asked “Dad, why are the O’s on the Payless Shoe Store sign orange dots.”



“I don’t know. That is a really good question,” he replied.

Let’s be honest. It wasn’t a really good question. It was kind of a dumb question. Knowing the answer to why a graphic designer decided to make the O’s orange dots on the Payless Shoe Store sign probably would not have been a life changing realization. But all six-year-old me could think was ”YES! I asked a good question!”

Even now, knowing that it is a silly six-year-old question, I still get that little tinge of pride in my gut thinking of my dad saying that. There is NO way he knew at the time that he was creating a tiny happy memory nugget in my growing brain. But here it is 30 years later getting written down. I kind of wonder if someday my 35-year-old daughter will be making a tortilla star with her teeth and suddenly become very sad at the thought of me not wanting to look at it.

What’s the lesson I learned? I guess I have two. 1, I need to be less of a snarky asshole with my six-year-old. She understands a ton, but sarcastic teasing is still just dad being a jerk. 2, kids operate on a different scale. I should be proud of star shaped tortillas just like my dad was proud of my questioning of brand fonts. If my kid starts a blog someday I want it to be about how I was proud of silly things, and not that I walked away in a snarky huff.

I want to be the dad that is proud.

This is a re-creation. This time I told her it was the best tortilla star I had ever seen.



Thursday, January 26, 2017

The King of Soup is Me

I have partnered with Life of Dad and Idahoan® Foods for this campaign, but all opinions expressed above are unbiased and true. For instance, the soup is actually as good as I say it is. Seriously. It's exceed all my expectations.



It's January and I am writing about soup again. This time I am working with Idahoan® Foods. They apparently heard about my love of soup and asked me to give their potato soups a try. Since this post is also a partnership with my long-time friends, Life of Dad, of course there is a spin on it. They challenged me to become the "#KingofSoup" by transforming my kitchen into a steak house... and then eating soup.

You guys know me. I won't pass up an opportunity to put an adorable bow-tie on my kid and have him serve me steak, so we gladly obliged. I stopped by the store and picked up a couple New York cuts for Stevie and I, and some Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets for the kids. FYI, Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets are the Steak of the kid world.




But back to the soup, because that is why we are here. Look guys. I am going to be completely honest. I have long been a lover of powdered mashed potatoes. When I was younger and thinner and more apt to wander off into the mountains for weeks at a time, powdered mash potatoes were an easy and light way to carry calories. The potatoes I brought were Idahoan® and I loved them very much. Toss a little cheese and some boiling water into a mug with your potato powder and you have a delicious dinner.



But could they do soup? The answer is yes. Yes they can. Surprisingly well. It was better than soup I have had at some real steak houses.

We made the Creamy Potato one that night. The rest have been eaten since.

The Steakhouse

While I was excited for the soup, Stevie was excited to get to use a tablecloth. That is, she was excited until she realized that our table cloth was in the garage and I may have left the lawnmower on top of it. We're working through that. Instead we used a sheet, because we are classy and our steak house is classy.


Duchess also decided we needed rose pedals on our table. I tried to tell her that steak houses don't have rose pedals on tables and she just looked at me with eyes that said "You get soup, dad. Let me have rose pedals."

I looked back at her and thought with my eyes "How do you do that with your eyes? Did you learn that from your mom?"

"Are you trying to fart dad?"

"No. I am talking to you about rose pedals with my eyes."

"You are weird"

"No. I am the #KingofSoup."

When a six year old rolls her eyes at you, you know you're parenting at a 10.



Duchess didn't just want to set the table. She also wanted to make the soup. She is getting really good at making all sorts of "pour this thing into that pot" foods. I may be the #KingofSoup, but she is the princess of Mac and Cheese. She did really well with the potato soup too.


Captain, on the other hand, cannot be trusted in front of boiling water just yet. So he got to be the MaƮtre d'. He was just as excited by his tiny bow-tie as I was. I wish I could wear bow-ties. Bow-ties are cool. Unfortunately, at my current weight a bow-tie makes me looked like a tied off upside down balloon... so I live vicariously through my son's bow-tie. That's how parents do it right?



Side note. Captain has hit maximum cuteness. We didn't think it was possible for a kid to get cuter, but holy cow. My theory is that since he is the second child and constantly competing for attention that some sort of evolutionary cute gene kicked in and now he has unnatural level's of cuteness. I may be the Soup King, but Captain is so cute that I don't even remember how I was going to finish this sentence.



Anyway, that's all I've got. In summation, I still love soup. We got to have a fun date night with potato products, and my kids are pretty swell.

Also, Stevie apologizes for not taking any pictures of us. She's not sure how it happened. I blame the bow-tie on my unnaturally adorable son. Anyway, try the soup. Seriously, you'll be surprised by how good it is. Try dipping your dinosaur chicken nuggets in it... or your steak.

For more information, be sure to follow @Idahoanfoods on social media or stop by Idahoan.com