Monday, September 23, 2013

7 Tips for Dating My Three Year Old Daughter

"Michael is cute."

Those three words are the actual sound of my heart collapsing in on itself. If you had held a stethoscope to my chest yesterday morning, you would have heard my heart's rhythmic thu-thump cease and then eerily echo the exact words that had just came out of Duchess's mouth as my left and right ventricles squeezed in on each other and turned my heart into a pathetic heart raisin.

Michael is the little towhead jerk face from Duchess's daycare, who I now hate with every fiber of my being. He is also NOT cute. And I hate him. Have I mentioned that I hate him? Because I do.


OK, he's cute. Fine. What three year old isn't cute? And I don't really hate him. But what is a dad to do? Our kids are going to love who they love, and any amount of pushing I do is going to send my daughter straight into Michael's stubby little toddler arms. I suppose their love is inevitable. So here you go MICHAEL FROM DAYCARE. This is for you. Take good care of her.

7 Tips for Dating My 3 Year Old Daughter

1. If you give her a cookie, DO NOT break it in half. 

Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to Duchess's cookies. Two halves make a broken cookie. Have you seen the scene at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when they open the Ark and all the Nazi's faces melt off? Of course you haven't. You're three. Either way, that is what happens when you break one of Duchess's cookies in half.

2. Be adaptable. She changes her mind a lot. 

Oh, you want to go to the zoo? You want to go the park? Too bad. Duchess just changed her mind. She no longer wants to go. You're frustrated because it was her idea to go in the first place and you spent a half an hour finding her shoe? Cry me a freaking river. She's your girlfriend now. In these situations, you either need to be adaptable, or strong enough to pick her up and carry her to the car. Since you are a pathetic three feet tall and unable to pick her up, this means you need to be adaptable. Isn't love grand?

3. She likes the pink cup, but don't call it the pink cup. Call it the "princess cup." 

Also, sometimes she likes a little water in her milk. I know. That is incredibly weird, but my daughter is weird. If you aren't ready to let her get a little weird, you should look elsewhere for companionship. You should also know that she would rather have goldfish crackers instead of kisses, but don't give her too many.

4. Sometimes she needs to go potty, but she won't admit it. Encourage her to go potty – but don't force her. 

She hasn't had an accident for a long time, so you shouldn't have much to worry about. I find singing the potty song works really well. It goes like this: "If you have to go potty, stop and go right away!!"  If you sing it incorrectly she will insist on teaching you how to sing it before she will go potty. So learn quickly or things will get messy. 

5. Allow her to be her own woman.  

Do not open her door for her. She can open her own door. Do not help her down from the table. She can get down from the table. Do not pour her milk. She can… actually she can't pour her own milk; she'll spill it every damn time. Good luck with that Michael.

6. Her favorite songs are "Do Re Mi" and "Ants Go Marching" 

BUT you must call them "Doe a Deer" and "Marching Hurrah" Also, don't sing them. Just let her sing them and you clap at the end. Tell her that she did a good job. She likes to know when she did a good job singing.

7. She might say she hates you. It doesn't mean she hates you. She's complicated.

Look Michael. Duchess is a wonderful girl. She is bright, and independent, and stubborn. She is all the best parts of her mother and I to the nth degree. She is also all of our bad parts amplified. Sometimes she's going to lash out. Be patient. Sometimes she is going to be hurt. Be gentle and kind. Sometimes she's not going to know how to tell you how she is feeling. Just keep listening. You'll figure it out man. I promise. And if you don't, it's because you're THREE FREAKING YEARS OLD AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE DATING.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

Duchess's Dad

P.S. If it doesn't work out, please send her home. I miss her already.

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  1. I don't believe Michael has any clue! So, there's hope that you'll be her Prince Charming for a little bit longer!!


  2. Just wait until Princess is 14 years old, and you and the Mrs. come home from some event, like Independence day fireworks, for instance, to find your 14 year old daughter has two 17 year old guys visiting while she is supposed to be home alone.
    A hint for the proper response, is to block their car in the drive with your own, so they can't escape.
    A second hint: let them live, it's hard to be a proper dad from prison.

    1. Great advice that I am going to pass on to my husband. Especially the blocking them in part = not sure I'll be able to convince him to let them live.

    2. Oh man I don't even have a daughter and that made me cringe a bit.

    3. And then, make them help you with that project you've been working on in the garage, whatever it is. It's a lot easier when you have two extra guys to hold the big sheets of plywood up and stuff like that. Plus it keeps their hands occupied, which is probably a good thing under the circumstances.

  3. OMG. I definitely laughed out loud!!

  4. Dude this is fucking brilliant. You win dad blogging.

  5. Girl needs herself a younger man who can still be trained. Right about the "just learning to walk" phase, so she can still knock him on his tush if need be.

  6. I am actually crying with laughter at your "Cry me a freaking river" comment. Does poor 3-year-old Michael have any say in whether he dates Duchess or not? Cos in my experience with 2 sons, once a girl decides she likes you, the poor saps pretty much have to go with it - unless they can run fast enough to escape! Cut the little dude some slack.

  7. When my son was 9, the girlz (ages 7 - 11) in the neighborhood would come over to play. Since he didn't (and at 24 still doesn't) favor incessant tea parties, he would hop on his bike and purposefully fuddle around a bit so they would see this. So, they would scramble to get theirs. As they would collectively head in our direction all noisily talking, he would silently bolt off in the direction of the forest preserve bike-path. He would linger just enough so they would keep after him.

    About 15 minutes later, he (a little pink & sweaty) would calmly swoop up on his bike and without a word he would quickly park it in the garage, close the door, and go inside to watch TV. They would show up maybe another 10 minutes or so later - all hot & sweaty and huffing all out of breath.

    I found later he would slow a bit so they would keep following - until they were about 2 miles away. Then he would 'pour it on' leaving them behind. When they couldn't see him, he'd quickly hide behind shrubs or trees until they went past, now talking less but still huffing. Once they were out of site, he would pull the Snagglepuss routine (old cartoon character), "Exit, stage LEFT!" And would speed back home.

    (Learning from his mother that it was easier to deal with Darth Vader - all D.V. wanted to do was take over the universe & destroy any obstruction in his way) he figured that it was useless and 'too much like work' to stand-off the girlz. They are far too ready to deal with male single-minded thought patterns. Instead he let their curiosity and desire to talk do the work for him. He wanted to watch cartoons...

    At 24, he has had a few girlfriends. He is still single...

  8. This made me laugh so hard I had to read it to my husband. He shares your pain. Although, our three-year-old has a crush on Darth Vader... and we're kind of okay with that.

    Also sharing on my Facebook page. =)

  9. Love this! Really funny. I think Michael will send her home as you may have scared him off.

  10. Laughed my ass off...pure brilliance.

  11. Haha! You forgot about Jamba Juice!

  12. Wait wait wait... Your kid is named Duchess?
    I don't know whether to clap or cry... I have a 6 year old (Loren), and a 3 year old (Joshua).
    Anyways, Loren is in kindergarten and I have given her so many talks about boys..... She has no I terest in them yet and I hope she refrains from it.
    My biggest regret was getting involved with boys at a young age. If I had waited like three more years, that would have been great because I met my husband then and we have been together since. The only issue is that I would have been so much happier if I had had all of my firsts with my husband instead of... The other boys. Loren will not understand any of this until she is much much older. I never got discouraged and was making out with the boys behind the school when I was 12. I was told that kissing and stuff was for people that I loved, but no one told me about love. I have told Loren that there is no boys until she is much much older, she is not thrilled about it but she is willing. I hope she stays away because the last thing I need is a boy-crazy little girl.
    The one I'm really going to be worried about is my son, because I don't need a horny little dipshit of a son wanting to boink any girl he sees.
    My sister was really terrible. She was chasing down boys in the first and second grade, if she caught them they had to kiss her. She started "dating" in the sixth grade. I remember that horrible day when she got her first bra and wanted to "show it off". I found out from my friend, that my sister had let her brother feel her up. She was letting the boys touch her boobs and kiss her and she was sleeping with them in high school. She got pregnant when she when she was fifteen and had to raise this kid on her own. Why? Because our parents let things like that go. They allowed her to like and kiss boys at a young age because they thought it would do no harm. Just saying, kids are pretty bad and will go nuts on the opposite sex. They are filled with hormones from a young age.

  13. That's a cute post I have never read it before. I like it very much.