March 2013 | Ask Your Dad Blog

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

In Defense of Sharing: Response to "Why I Don't Make My Son Share"






Look out. I'm on a bit of a tear. So much so that I will be using the following words in this post: thusly, poppycock, and old-hat. That's right, I'm going early twentieth century up in this shiz. 

I keep seeing this post about why kids shouldn't be encouraged to share on my Facebook news feed. For some reason, I've read it multiple times. Every time I read it I end up doing one of those two handed palm up "why" gestures at my computer.  I don't know if you've read it, but allow me summarize it for you (or go read it and come back). 

Very Bloggy Beth starts out by telling us that the day care she brings her kid to is a parent co-op - meaning all the parents chip in and take a turn watching each other's children. It has a set of rules that every parent has to follow to remain consistent. Makes sense. 

One of these "we're all on the same page" rules is that any kid who has any toy gets to keep said toy as long as he or she want to. If said kid needs to go to the bathroom, from what I can tell, a designated toy watcher will keep the toy isolated until the child returns.  And this ownership applies to EVERYTHING. Monkey bars? Stay the hell off of them until Jimmy is done. Swing? It doesn't have Sally's name on it, but her right of inheritance remains intact while she is off making a poo poo. And the "wonderful" thing is, all the co-op kids have bought in to this strategy; so no one pitches a fit when they can't play with each other's Legos. I'm not even sure anyone even asks after the first couple weeks. Sweet, quiet obedience. 

OK, so let's try not to focus on the irony that this is a co-op... a cooperative.. an  autonomous association of persons who voluntarily cooperate for their mutual, social, economic, and cultural benefit THAT DISCOURAGES SHARING! Let's just continue on. 

Very Bloggy Beth then shows us a couple "real world" examples of why the no-share policy is better.  

In the first example, a tiny toddler is playing with a car and an older, bigger toddler comes up and DEMANDS the car. Then they get in what she refers to as a "typical toddler scuffle" which I like to imagine looked something like this:




Eventually, angry bigger toddler's mom comes up, separates the two, and chides tiny toddler's mom for not teaching her kid how to share. 

In situation two, another toddler is playing with a toy in a sea of similar toys when a mom who doesn't belong to him comes up and instructs him to give up the toy he is currently playing with so the toddler she does belong to can play with it. Actual mom of toddler 1 is watching from the sidelines as not-his-mom fruitlessly asks over and over for not-her-kid to give up the toy. Eventually not-the-mom gives up and actual-mom chuckles from the sideline at her child's independence.  

Bloggy Beth doesn't agree with either approach, and here is where we agree. I don't either. But then we part ways again. She breaks it down thusly. (I've always wanted to say thusly)

" …it's a good lesson for you both to learn that this (giving your child everything they want) isn't always possible, and you shouldn't step all over people to get things. Furthermore, this is not how things work in the real world. In your child's adult life, he's going to think he's owed everything he sees. This is already happening in the next generation. "

"If you doubt my reasoning, think about your own day-to-day adult life. You wouldn't cut in front of someone in the grocery checkout line, just because you didn't feel like waiting. And most grown adults wouldn't take something from someone, like a phone or a pair of sunglasses, just because they wanted to use it."

See! She's doing us a favor. She is going to teach her kids not to share so they can teach other kids the all-important lessons of personal responsibility, property ownership, and life's unfairness. Additionally, the non-sharing toddlers will prevent our share-enabled kids from growing up into a sharer/taker generation. They will feel less entitled and more independent. They won't assume that they are owed. Atlas won't have to shrug. Rich people won't abandon us to move to a compound in Colorado. These selfish toddlers are going to SAVE THE WORLD. IT'S A MIRACLE! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M YELLING!

OK… deep breath. That was a bit much. I'm just bugged. 

Look...you can't just nit-pick random, annoying adult behaviors and then directly attribute them to the unknown, albeit likely, chance that their moms made them share their Light Brights when they were kids. That's illogical, and to be honest, it's far too easy. Look, I can do it too! Can you believe that asshole going fifty in the passing lane for the last 20 miles. He must have had a mom that taught him not to share! And can you believe that Carl uses all three microwaves in the break room to heat up his three course lunch even though there are ten people waiting to use them? He must have gone to a parenting co-op where he had a designated "toy watcher" whilst he went poo poo. Society these days…

Yes, I know my snark is turned up to an 11, but I really think these one to one comparisons of lessons and behaviors we teach our toddlers to practical, real world, adult situations are complete poppycock. (I've also always wanted to say poppycock.) 

A no sharing policy is as ridiculous as a mandatory you-must-share-everything policy. Discouraging Jimmy from even asking to play with Alice's toy train is as dumb as telling Alice that she has to give it to him if he asks. We should be encouraging both! Let them interact. Let them learn to negotiate. Let them squabble a bit. Don't make Jimmy sit on the side of the playground and wait for Alice to walk away from her ball. There will be plenty of time to be awkward and antisocial in high school! 

And yes, I get that there isn't a specific "no sharing" policy at this daycare co-op. But it seems clear from the article that the "you get to keep it as long as you want policy" has stymied sharing to the point that it is rarely requested. That's a horrible thing in my book. 



How about this? Instead of teaching children to absolutely share or to absolutely not share, why not teach children to avoid being complete assholes. Use a different word obviously, but if your mega-toddler is roughing up some kid because he wants his toy – don't attack the mom. Teach your kid not to be an asshole. And tiny-toddler mom, please-please-please don't deny your kid the joy of sharing; encourage it. Yes, don't yank the toy out of her hands and hand it to ogre-toddler out of some strange obligation to communal ownership – but don't start with "You don't have to share if you don't want to honey," either. 

Sharing is a gift we teach our kids to give others, and it is a honorable and worthwhile action. It makes our world a better place. It is important. Don't worry; the world will beat the "mine" mentality into Alice and Jimmy without your encouragement. 

And yes, I like Very Bloggy Beth's closing idea that we need to teach our toddlers that they can get things through diligence, patience, and hard work. I think that is a wonderful lesson, and a great way to get things. Maybe it is a bit old-hat of me to say so, but on the off chance we want our kids to have friends, and not just things – perhaps we shouldn't cut sharing from the curriculum just yet.

(Yes, I've always wanted to say old-hat too).

Love, 

John (Dad)

P.S. This is not meant to be an attack on Very Bloggy Beth. I'm sure she is incredibly nice. I found her mommy blog and read some of her other posts. She is a kind, loving mom with adorable kids. I just disagree with the sharing post. Please go check out her blog and leave comments and compliments on the stuff you like. And feel free to tell me why I'm wrong in the comments below. 

Also, now that I have convinced you that sharing is awesome, be sure to come like the Ask Your Dad Facebook Page. I share there all the time :) Here, I'll even give you a button: 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Five Dollar Friday - Utah Pride Center


Utah Pride Center Logo

We haven't done one of these in awhile, but this is such a great cause - I just couldn't resist. 

Back in October, in response to my post: Dear Hypothetically Gay Son, I was asked to give a speech at at the National Coming Out Day Brunch hosted by the Utah Pride Center. During that experience I was able to learn more about what the Utah Pride Center does, their mission, and the help they provide to the community. The Utah Pride Center is a life line to so many LGBT families in Utah, especially LGBT youth. I personally know multiple people who have been helped by the awesome work these folks do.

Currently they are holding a fundraiser for different programs that they run in Salt Lake City. I've listed a few of them below. I cannot think of a better way to spend my lunch money today, than by giving it to such a great organization. I'm hoping you might do the same. Please consider hoping over to their fundraising page and chipping in the minimum ten bucks. Yes, I know it's Five Dollar Friday, but I'll take a few weeks off FDF's and we can combine them all into this one!



Thursday, March 21, 2013

Cardboard Tube Sword!

Our house was full of awesome last night!






Pin it!! You know you want to :)

Monday, March 18, 2013

Things My Wife Told Me Not to Put on the Internet



The original title of this post was: "The Cutting Room Floor: Things My Wife Told Me Not to Put on the Internet - Possible Divorce Edition." That was too long. So I cut it down, much like I do many of my posts.

Sometimes, at my wife's urging, I cut sentences or paragraphs out of a post. Sometimes I scrap entire posts, or relegate them to the purgatory that is "draft" status. My wife, who is my sun, my moon, and my stars, is also my editor. She is the voice of reason, and she has a certain amount of editorial control over what I do and do not put on the internet. So today, in complete defiance of our arrangement, and in a test of the tolerant and forgiving qualities of her love, I've compiled some of the things she's "suggested" may be a "little too much" into a single post. 


Remember, these are completely out of context and taken from multiple posts that may never have been seen. Some of them didn't make them in because I took a little too much poetic license. Some of them caused my wife to punch me in the arm and say "JOHN!!! NO!"


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The 10 Toddler Words I'll Miss the Most




Before our kids learn our language, we get to experience the magic of learning theirs. For an amazing, and amazingly short, period of time kids speak a language that only their parents can understand. Have you ever been around a parent and their kid, and the kid looks at the parent and says, "Samoopeeepoop clababa pano pano it," and the parent, completely un-phased, replies with something like "No dear, you've had enough graham-crackers, and dinner is in an hour"? 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

6 Reasons that Sending My Infant to Daycare is Killing Me

Hey gang. Guest post from my wife Stevie this weekend. The title is pretty self explanatory; so I will let her get to it. I'll have a new post up on Monday or Tuesday. Thanks for reading!

Dad (John) 


6 Reasons that Sending My Infant to Daycare is Killing Me 

(And 3 Reasons I know I'll Survive)


Captain went to daycare on Friday. I'm having a hard time with it. I took a few weeks off after he was born and started working full-time again around Christmas. I was able to do most of my work from home because he was just a squishy lump that slept all the time. Now that he’s starting to be awake more than asleep, it was hard to be in the room with that cute, smiley face and still stay focused on work. He’s just too kissable.



So we enrolled him in the same daycare that Duchess goes to. She’s pretty excited about it. Whenever I would bring him with me while dropping her off or picking her up, she would yell to anyone that was listening, “look! It’s my bru-dder! LOOK IT'S MY BRU-DERRR!!!”

So needless to say, she’s stoked about it. I, on the other hand, am having a harder time coping, for several reasons. So I will dip into John’s bag of lazy blogger tricks and make a list, outlining why this sucks, and why I'll be OK.

First, the suck.